Joke of the day, Post'm

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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Dont worry, I can fix it, even if it aint broke.....
I'm goin fer a refill, ya want a cup?
My 110 is cool...but I want a V-250...bad.

Whats a kikker and me have in common?

we both look good and like to be rode.

Word to the wise...DO NOT HAVE A MOUTH FULL OF BEER WHILE READING THIS FUNNY SHIT.....I ALREADY FUCKED UP.....I LOVE IT.(KEEP'UM COMMING GUYS)

a man and his monkey walk into a bar. the monkey jumps up on the bar and the man sits down. the monkey proceeds to walk down the bar and grabs a pickle from a big jar. he promptly shoves the pickle in his butt a few times then swallows it whole. the bartender is puzzled but thought it was funny. the monkey then does the same thing with a boiled egg and then a peanut from the bar. the bartender asks "why does your monkey do this before he eats things?". he says " oh it's just a precaution. last week he ate a pool ball and now he checks everything for size."

two irish men want to drink in all the bars in dublin but remember they have no money so one looks to the other and says i got an idea, so they go to the first bar order their drinks and a few mins later he says ok im gunna pull a sausage link out of my pocket and you get on your knees, so as he gets down on one knee the bartender says " there will be none of ya queers in my bar" and proceeds to kick them out, several bars and a few dozen drinks later he looks at his drunk friend and says im drunk and my knees are starting to hurt i think we should call it a night and his friend says "thats ok i lost the sausage a few bars ago!!!!!!!!!!

The president of the united states was in a store shopping the store caught fire three little boys 1 white, 1 mexican, and 1 black pulled the president from the burning store and saved his life with the surprise on who save him the president told them u saved my life i will reward u each president ask the first little boy white boy what do u want i want to come to the white house and set in the president chair and never pay taxes the president done he then ask the second little boy mexican boy what he wanted the little boy he said he wanted to see his family made us citizens the president then ask the third little boy black boy what do u want and the little boy said 8 packs of toliet paper and the president was very surprised the president ask why 8 packs of toliet paper the little black boy looked and told the president when my dad finds out who i saved he's going to beat the shit out of me.

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361 947 7425 that's 947 RICK-a dealer you can talk to
just don't call after 2 am cdt

if someone threw a rock and KNOCKED you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?

what's brown and rhymes with snoop?.... Dr. DRE!!!

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KNOCKTOBERFEST Myrtle Beach, S.C. Sep. 30th- Oct. 4th

A lumberjack was chopping down a tree and yelled TIMBER, the tree fell.
The next tree, he chopped down and yelled TIMBER, but nothing happened. He chopped at the tree some more and yelled again...nothing.
Then he had an idea....he finger-spelled, T-I-M-B-E-R to the tree and the tree fell....the tree was deaf.
Ba da bump!

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ridin' til the sun goes down...

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' She asks, 'What?' 'Sex!!' he replies. Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!' 'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while.' Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
'Parkinson's.'

HAHAHAHA thats funny

__________________
Dont worry, I can fix it, even if it aint broke.....
I'm goin fer a refill, ya want a cup?
My 110 is cool...but I want a V-250...bad.

Tiger Woods sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "HO HO HO", Tiger jumps off and yells "Where Where Where??????"

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"Is minic a bhris béal duine a shrón."
Translation: "It's often a person's mouth that breaks their nose."

Cape Cod MA